My mission statement.

My therapist posed this question to me last thursday. He asked me what my life mission or motto would be. Knowing what my desires or life motto is would maybe help me swim the currents of life a little better. Give me something to turn to or at least knowing in the back of my mind how I wanted to handle what life throws at me. I thought this was a very interesting idea so I decided I would sit down and hash out what kind of person I want to be/how I would look at life.

Mood Music- Bach playlist

As I was thinking about this in the shower after a few hours of playing ball with my boys, there was one thing I seemed to keep relating too. That was a tree.

I'd like to think that my life began was I was carefully placed in a specific situation by a loving hand (God). I was laid carefully in fertile ground and which insured that I would receive both the loving support I needed for my roots but also the freedom to spread my wings. I am still a young tree, not a sapling a bit older but far from being the strong oak or giant redwood that I would like to be.

I want to be an individual who has strongly laid roots. I want to settle in a location that is home. I want my roots to spread wide and grow strong. I want to have firm ideals, morals, and beliefs. I want to be strong enough that I can defend or declare these beliefs and opinions with enough vigor as to get my point across but not have them forced on others. I also would like to be a tree that can yield. I want to be able to open to new ideas and beliefs. I want to be able to bend but not break. I want to be open minded and compassionate enough that I may recognize others have just as valid beliefs as myself, even if they are complete opposites.

Eventually I would like my lone tree to turn into a small copse of trees. I would like to be able to provide them protection from the elements of life but also be able to allow them enough room and space to grow strong on their own. That they too may grow strong roots and be healthy.

I want to be a tree that provides protection for those who need it. One that provides relief for the weary. Fruit for the hungry and provides shade for the burdened.

I want to be a tree that is known, a tree that is admired, a tree that is beautiful and a tree that is practical.

Oh and I wouldn't mind being a handsome tree =)

Terrified.

I need to write. I don't know about what but I need to write. I feel like I'm on the verge of a Panic Attack or Anxiety Attack. It kinda feels like the calm right before the storm. I'm tense, I feel hopeless, and my meditation/breathing techniques feel like they are trying to bail out a sinking ship with a teaspoon.

I don't know why I'm stressed. I should be relatively happy. A lot of things are going right. I have an easy enough Job at the school which is giving me something to do for a few hours a day. It lets be get to be around the students who really brighten my day. It also gives me at least a little income to save up and pay off my bills with. It's not much but it's better than nothing. Especially with my anxiety.

I have some direction with schooling now. I've got my study helps for the GRE and have been trying to study a little every day. I know when deadlines and stuff are for applying to grad school and I have goals set. I'm pretty rusty at math because I haven't done any in 5 years and my verbal skills aren't where I want them to be, but I think I can get there.

Things are good at home. Things are good with my friends. Although I miss Jeremy and his family a lot. It's been hard having them gone especially when I've spent so much time with them over the years. Heck, things are even good with Kelly. We've talked everyday this week. No drama. I really opened up to her about how I felt towards her and I think it might have helped strengthen our relationship.

So why am I freaking out right now? Why do I feel like everything is hopeless. I'm going to fail at everything. I'm not gonna get into BYU or I will and the program won't be what I want to do with my life. I'm not going to find a career and I'm always going to be strapped for cash. Hell, even all my friends are getting married and are moving on. They are going to leave me alone. This is how I feel. I have no reason to feel that way and I keep reminding myself that everything is alright. Even if all that happens I'll still be okay. I'll survive.

I'm terrified right now that I'm never going to beat this anxiety. That the knot in my tummy isn't ever gonna go away completely. That it's going to keep me from having a lasting relationship with a spouse and children. That I'll be too worried about things to ever really enjoy anything again. It's scary and I'm scared.

I talked to my therapist today and kinda told him what I've been feeling the last week or two. That my progress has leveled off and I'm not going forward anymore. I told him that I'm planning on upping my meds. Which I found out are only anxiety meds and not anti depressants as well. Hopefully upping the dosage with help me get rid of the stress and that will have an affect on my depression. I hope it helps.

I'll be okay. I think. I just wish Kelly would call so I could take my mind off things for a while.