That moment

Sluggishly you fall into bed. You barely have the strength to peel your clothes off. You find yourself nestled in a heaven of sheets, pillows, and a slightly worn mattress. Sleep overtakes you, almost instantly. There is a moment though, however brief, that you're lost. Your mind hasn't completely shut off. It's raw, it's honest, it's beautiful, it's naked, your walls are down. In this moment many things can happen depending on whatever you're feeling that day. It acts like a catalyst for your subconscious to conjure up the most beautiful and the most fearful of dreams. Your subconscious latches on to this vulnerable moment and it just creates whatever the hell it wants. You can't protect yourself. There is no wall big enough to save you from yourself. You are forced to look at yourself. Sometimes it's pleasant, sometimes it's unbearable. That's life.....

I'm just praying to God that someday soon I can find you and make you that moment.....

Just a thought

The blood in my veins is the same as yours.....red is red.... So why does the shell that's covering it seperate us? Gender, Sexual Orientation, Color of Skin, Faith, Culture, Politics, and Geographical Location.... it's all relative when it comes to red. I love you regardless of it all and that's from the heart. - Jason Clark

10 things that got me through the week

It's late and I'm stuck here thinking. Wow, what a surprise. In an effort to not have this turn out to be depressing or some deep self reflection about myself I'm going to try to keep it chipper. So here it is, a list of things I've enjoyed this week.

1. Walking off campus to my car in the cold afternoon winter air I saw a group of kids huddled around talking in the parking lot. I decided to walk as close as them as possible without making it look obvious. The reason for this...... they were smoking. I have a weird relationship with cigarette smoke. In small doses (especially in cold air), it is uplifting in some weird way. Almost like how home baked cookies are. In large doses however, it gives me a headache and i get sick of it. There is also something about it that makes me feel intellectual around it. Between the aroma of coffee, old books, and secondhand smoke..... I'd be in an intellectual coma.

2. I love how even on the most awful days how something as stupid as finding a great parking spot can lift the spirits a little. It's like the universe is opening up it's dark chasms to let you know that even through all the shit, sometimes good things happen.

3. I absolutely love when I'm singing loud and obnoxiously in my car. Why do I love this, there are moments when my voice sounds really rustic and throaty and it makes me feel masculine. Stupid I know, but sometimes men have to reassure themselves of their masculinity. Just having a penis isn't enough. Such reassurances come in a variety of forms. This is a list but is not limited to only them: getting together with a bunch of other men and talking about doing something stupid (No, this does not mean we do something stupid, just discuss it. Ex: Lets drive to Vegas and gamble so we can win lots of money. Granted some people do this..... but it's not necessary), using a swear word as many times in a sentence as possible (this means the word becomes a noun, verb, adverb, adjective, and sometimes even pronouns), watching a sporting event and yelling loudly either at the stadium or just at your tv (the yelling doesn't accomplish anything but the fact that your opinion is right and you want everyone around you to know it does. yell away my friends), watching a masculine movie (I.E. alot of stuff blows up, there are hot girls, sports movie, or a crude comedy. The more of these within one movie the better), and finally, breaking/burning/smashing/killing something (pretty self explanitory).

4. This is a slight change of pace but hang out with the elementary school kids. Seriously, those little runts are to die for. Sure they are germ invested, slightly annoying, and moody, but seriously, I love their guts.

5. Cussing over xbox live. If you haven't done it.....you don't understand. If you have..... well you know what i'm talking about and don't need any other explanation.

6. A crutch. Mine was soda and a chick flick. Gay, I know but screw you. Everyone has one. It's that something in your life that you can always rely on when everything else sucks. It could be a person but even they fall through. No these crutches are objects. It's like smoking when you're stressed. Could be a movie, song, food, or activity. They are necessary to get through the week sometimes.....You gotta do what you gotta do to survive.

7. A warm shower. They fix everything. I dunno what it is but it does.

8. Helping someone else. I'm an ass....Okay not really but I pretend. Normally, I keep to myself but I still try to be decent to everyone else. Not going to lie, holding the door open for a girl at school and getting that shy thank you smile back.... is a pretty damn good feeling. So thank you to the girl who smiled when I held hte door for her. You probably will never know it, but you saved a little piece of my soul.

9. For a few mooments driving to school one day, i had a flashback to iowa. I think it was the snow on the ground and the dead brown color of the plants around UVU that made me think about it. Normally, Iowa is pretty hard for me..... but this time, for what ever reason, I felt stronger because of it. I've been kinda down this week, dunno why, but knowing i got through Iowa in someway or another..... well it gives me hope in myself.

10. Lastly, a small self pep talk. I can't tell you what I said but it helped. Give yourself a break and do it. Just a small.... "i think i can, i think i can" pep talk.