Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?

Shiiiiiiiit.

Sometimes I forget that the vision of myself I have in my head isn't nearly as realistic as the image in the mirror is. I swear to God that if I don't continuely remind myself that I'm really not as badass as my ego tells me I am, I could end up being one of those people..... You know, they are the ones that end up on American Idol's first episodes. Not the good ones, the ones who think they sound like Bing Crosby or Christina Aguilara and belt the music in a screechy tone that can only be appealing to bats or mythological creatures (here's lookin at you Hypogriffs).

Reality check.

I'm awesome, but I can't jump buildings in a single bound. Nor can I walk into Prison lunchroom and proceed to roundhouse kick the F*** out of every inmate in the joint. My romances aren't identical to Romeo's ( I can't woo a woman and have us both married/dead within a week, though I sure do feel thtey are that dramatic).

Side note: SUCK IT AMERICA, healthcare reform passed. Consider all your freedoms bitch slapped with a side of Federal regulation. I hope somewhere, that Sarah Palin has morphed into a she-wolf and is running the Alaskan country side hunting fresh moose meat. Good Hell she's annoying.

Where was I? Oh right, I can't despite my wildest imaginations nail Kate Beckinsale and Jennifer Aniston in the same night (beleive me, I've tried. Even in my dreams they tell me to get lost). Hell, I can't even find Carmen San Diego? (I always thought Venice was in Europe, who the hell knew she'd be hiding in the Utah one? What? You didn't know there was a Venice, Utah? Sucka! Look it up). Who do you think is the better hide and seek player? Osama Bin Laden or Waldo?

Seriously, Where the Hell is Osama? Think about it. We can split the Atom but we can't find the jackass who was in charge of flying airplanes into the Trade Centers? Someone needs to kick his ass and soon.

I can't even lick my elbow. I've tried multiple times, especially, after recieving those retarded surveys and chain letters that mention it. I'd love to find the guy that can though. I'm sure when he goes to sleep at night he feels vindicated with the fact that he can freakin do it (I suppose it could be a woman, I'd like to think that she would be too classy to ever know if she could or not though).

In conclusion, I haven't even caught every Pokemon, Ash wins.

Reality Check. I'm still freakin amazing, so deal with it.

P.S. Kiss my ass Bob Saget. You know why

Monarch Butterflies

Every third generation of Monarch butterflies live triple the life of a normal Monarch butterfly. They attempt an amazing journey from Canada across the U.S. and into Mexico. Researchers aren't sure why this generation exists. With their 9 month lives the are able to spand a distance that is hundreds of miles long. They return to a place they've never been or never seen, driven by some inherent idea. This is what I learn when I stay up late and watch NOVA.

Random much? Yes. Deal with it. Still though, how badass is nature? The answer is very.

A delicate creature can make a trek that far without even knowing where it's going. Wtf is our excuse then?

Facial Hair, My wall

The hair trimmer buzzes softly before you switch it off. Mounds and strands of hair are cluttered around the bathroom counter, you never thought you had so much of it till you see it thrown around like this. You look up into the mirror and see a new face. One you haven't seen in years. The white skin around your chin and side burns are like remenants of skin left under a band aid for too long. Discolored, soggy, sickly looking. Yet, healing took place underneath. It's a lousey metaphor but it works.

There is something more to it though. It's terrifying to see yourself in that new light. It's a new face haunted by such old memories. Inadequacy, failure, despair. It's almost as if a wall has been torn down. The moat around your castle is filled with sand..... Suddenly, you're vulnerable.

I hate vulnerablity, hate change. I want the band aid back. I want my security blanket. I want to be locked away safe from the world. That's what i want, and no amount of advice or conversation can change it.

Nots

Inspired my good friend Carolina, I thought I would attempt an entry like her. Posting my nots.
What are you not?

I am not despite my best efforts everything I desire to be. I am not perfect. I do not desire to be perfect. I do not desire to be more than myself. I am not a bad person either. I am not a personw ithout values and morals. I do not always meet them. I do not conform to others expectations. I am not caught up in myself. I do not go easy on myself. I do not give myself the credit I deserve for being the quality invididual I am.

I am not very goodlooking. I am not a rugged supermodel. I do not have amazing taste in clothes. I am not ugly. I am not skinny, though, I am not obese. I do not deserve to be examined once and found not fit to date. I do not deserve to be examined by my appearances. I do not deserve to be treated as a shell. I do not want to be a painted face. I do not want to care so much about my apperance despite feeling it necessary. I will not be cut out of a mold.

I do not get as depressed as I try to make it seem. I do not get as happy either. I am not as rational as I wish I was. I do not want to totally eliminate or let my emotions have control of me either. I do not want either extreme. I do not want to be thought stupid. I do not want to go through life having not been well read.

I do not doubt the existence of God. Nor do I believe that grace will save me. I do not believe that God labels people. I do not believe because a person views God differently that I should feel threatened. I do not believe that world peace is such a far fetched idea. I do not believe that we cannot over come our differences. I do not believe that his being gay, or her being Muslim, should matter more than a simply observation. I do not believe that my being LDS hinders me in anyway from experiencing the real world. I do not believe that labels matter, except the ones we give ourselves.

I am not a jock, a nerd, a gamer, a reader, a dreamer, a rationalist, a pessimist, an optimist, a romantic, but, I also am. I am not a single personality but rather a multitude of chaotic passions. I am not what the passions make me. I am not the sum of their parts.

I am not strong. I am not weak. I am not scared. I am not at peace. I am not a liberal. I am not a conservative. I am not capitalist. I am not a socialist. I am neither here, nor there. I am not any extremes.

I am not sure where I am going. I do not know how i feel about this. I do not like rules but I do not like chaos either. I do not like feeling alone despite knowing I am surrounded by lots of people who love me. I do not like knowing that there are others out there who feel this way as well. I do not like knowing I cannot change this. I do not like being told what I can or can't do. I do not plan on ever being content.

I do not hate. I do not trust anyone easily. I do not like being open so I build walls. I do not like sharing problems with people I know, but I am perfectly fine with sharing them with strangers. I do not show restraint when it comes to love. I do not know when it's too much or too little. I do not know when to hold a grudge or when to let it go. I do not like to fight but i do not like backing down.

Most of all I do not, do not, cannot, will not, am not planning on changing myself for anyone or anything.

"A man, as a general rule, owes very little to what he is born with - a man is what he makes of himself." -Alexander Graham Bell

Restart

No one has really written in their blogs for a while. I thought I'd pick up the slack. Maybe spark something.

For the past week or so I've been swept away late at night by the beautiful melody of my favorite song. I've listened to it way too much. It just feels like it completes me. It's romantic, bitter, nervous, and brutally honest. Not just the lyrics, but the melody. It's amazing to me how music can do that. Some songs catch you perfectly in the moods your in, or maybe a situation. They make it more intense. More real. More raw. This song is more for me though, no matter what mood, what situation, it sweeps me off my feet and drop kicks my heart. I'd rather not disclose what song, I like thinking it's personal. It's unknown and only exists for me. I believe it is.

I want to have a torrid love affair. I want unbridled passion. I want to dive headfirst into something intense with the foreknowledge that it'll will end badly. I want my heart to swell till it bursts. I want it to shatter into billions of pieces. I want a white hot pain to shoot through my body. I want to ache. I want to beg for sleep to overtake my crying. I want to lose all the faith I have in love. I want anguish, depression, and scarring. I want to hit rock bottom and then........

and then I want to find the strength to begin anew.