Anxiety

This is directed at women. Not anyone particularly but all of them with the same level of importance.

It's not fair. It's just simply not fair that I can sit here on pins and needles stressed out over whether or not you like me. I can't help that I like you and I can't help but what that reciprocated back. I'm only human. On the flip side, I realize you also have feelings of stress and worries. They are probably very similiar to mine, in fact. I can't say much on this because I am only a man and I can only tell you about my feelings.

I'm 23 years old and have an anxiety disorder that none to kindly showed up on my mission. 4 almost 5 years later, i am kind of over the whole thing. Not like "recovered" more like "fed up." I'm just so tired of this shit. Mostly because it pops up in the most random of situations and out of the blue now. I've beaten it back and repressed it enough that it only leaks out over the stupidest of shit.

Which brings me to where I'm at now. I don't date alot. Never have. I'm somewhat of a flirt though. Not because I want the attention, but because I like the feeling of knowing I'm making someone else smile and that in return they are also being affectionate. I don't do it because I have some under cut need to get action. I do it because it makes me feel good and i think it makes others feel good as well. Honestly, I think I'm just a nice guy. I'm not a player. I hate those guys and I hate when people think I am.

So now, at the anciently seeming age of 23 I've decided I want to start dating. So what happens? My seemingly dormant anxiety problem has blown up all over the place the last few weeks. Im scared shitless. All because I am worried about whether or not some girl is going to like me back or if she is mad at me. Now I realize it's not fair for me to put all this on girls. They can't help that I'm crazy. ON the other hand, they can do better than standing me up at the fkin movies, or telling me they'll call me and then just never hearing from them again. They can do better than telling me I'm a jerk on the phone because 2 weeks ago I was crushing on someone else or that I have a history with other girls.

My point is. I'm 23. I have a history. I've had a few female friends. Not alot. I have though. I can' thelp that. I can't help that i've done some pretty stupid shit in my time. I'm only 23 though and if some girl is willing to give me a shot. I can promise that I can do better, that I can make them my future if they are willing to forget my past. I'm not perfect.

I'm tired of trying to be perfect. I'm tired of this anxiety. I'm tired of feeling broken. I am Jason. 23 year old Jason. No better, no worse. Im trying to move forward, I just wish my body would let me, but I suppose we all have demons.

Damn demons.