When I go down

You give me hope and hope it gives me life. You touch my heavy heart and when you do you make it light. As I exhale, I hear your voice and I answer you, though, I can hardly make a noise. From my lips, the words I choose say seem pathetic, but its a fallen man's praise. Because I love you. Oh God, I love you. - Relient K

I've been listen to alot of Relient K lately. It's amazing how spiritual their lyrics are and yet, it's put in a way that almost anyone can relate to.

I suppose what I relate to so well is the feeling that I'm constantly messing up. Lately, (and by lately I mean 4 years) I've felt like I'm just one big mess. I don't know exactly what I'm doing. I've said this often. I suppose this place is my outlet for those feelings. Relient K seems to speak to the inner turmoil my soul feels.

I am always trying to balance myself between being a little wreckless and human with being the spiritual kid my soul wants me to be. More often than not the latter gets surpressed. I used to be a very spiritual person but now I wonder if I lost it, or if I've tried so hard to fake not being it, I've taught myself how not to be.

Deep down, I believe in God and it amazes me how willingly and mercifuly forgiving he is. So I write this to him in hopes he might know the intentions of my heart:

Dear Heavenly Father,

It's Jason. Excuse me while I stutter through this but I feel you should know my gratitude. Thank you for being consistently there. I know I have often times doubted it, but those are only during harden heart times. I can't even lie to myself about it because i'm constantly reminded of what you have done for me and what you do for me.

I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I couldn't tell you. I don't want to be this person and yet, I don't seem to have the strength to be the person I used to be. I'm sure I look foolish tripping over the same obstacle and skinning my knee over and over. I'm sure you knew I would do this, yet, you wish I could have learned the first time. I think you know better than I that maybe the scars that will develop from these trials will be a reminder for me throughout my life. Perhaps I can always look at my knees and remember that while I'm foolish, I eventually learn to overcome things. For now though, I seem to be stuck in the bleeding and painful stage. I have oftena sked for strenght and wisdom to overcome, but, I have ignored what help has already been given because I don't have teh strength to utilize it.

I am pathetic. I am helpless. I am short sighted. I am worldly. I am not what I would have myself be. I will be someday though. It might not be soon. I might have to make several more mistakes. I may have to hit rock bottom. I promise though, that eventually, I will be everything you see me. I will fulfill that potential.

Please continue to have faith in me. To watch with a frustrated but caring eye. I will rise and I know it'll only be with your help. Save me a bandaid, some anti bacterial, and a seat in your mansion. I will be scarred up and bruised but I will make it.

Sincerely Jason.


When I go down I lift my eyes to you. I won't look very far, cause you'll be there with open arms.

To lift me up again. - Relient K