God save us all.

There it is. Sitting there. It's inviting. It's addicting. It carries itself with a come hither look that seduces you the moment you lay eyes on it.

Then....

You pounce. You tear into it wantonly. Inhibitionless. It's beautiful. It's horrifying. It's enticing. You embrace it and smother it with adoration. It yeilds to you. You possess it and it gives itself freely. Every thought and twitch of physical exerition it gives way. Pure bliss. Sexual, carnal, satisfying bliss.

The moment passes. You become conscious again. Aware. Then it sets in. You stand back in shock. Disgusting. You are disgusting. Vile. Weak. Helpless. There's no way that just happened. But it did.

Whimper... Denial....

Never again. You'll turn your back on it next time. You won't give in. You hide it. Bury it. Lie to yourself. No one knows, and the ones who do don't care. You're safe. Ashamed. Hurt. You're fine.

Deep down you know.....

It'll happen again. It always does. It's hidden in the back of your mind. Hanging there. Waiting. Singing it's siren song softly. Unaware. You sail quietly back into it's waters. Playing cat and mouse with disappointment.



This is how I feel when it comes to flaws. I consistantly indulge in things I know are bad for me. Debates. Disappointment. Dating. Lies. Gluttony. Jealousy. Drama. Sins.

I can't get away. I try to lie to myself. Somehow I'll avoid them next time. I won't partake. The forbidden fruit won't tempt me. The siren's song won't have any affect. I know that it's bullshit. I'll give in. One way or another, I'll give in. I don't have the character strength to deny myself for too long. I'm carnal. Animalistic. I give into my lusts for the sweet nector of rebelliousness they drip. Then I find myself coated by the pits and residue of the fruit. Shocked, horrified, disgusted, angry, hurt, disappointed.

"WTF!?" I exclaim, "How did this happen again?" "FML."

I suppose we all feel this way about certain things. We spend lifetimes trying to overcome them. At 23, I'm just sick of them already. Can I please move on? Let myself move on?

The answer is no. My character flaws are built in with my good characteristics. We can only improve but never remove. We are stuck with blemishes that never truly fade.

Nietzsche was right. What sets us apart from the animals is guilt. That somehow, in our memory, unable to forget, our guilt helps shape us. Defines certain aspects of ourselves. For good or for bad, that's just how it is.

God help us all.... You're the only one who can fix us.