Dream on

I scan the room and fall lazily back into that big black leather chair. It's that one that is big enough to fit two but is just perfect for cuddling deeply into by yourself. I'm not going to lie, I was happy at that moment, this moment.. My family surrounds me and even though i know that its not perfect, i am happy to be here with them. It doesn't come as often now that we are all together, even today we were missing some but i felt love....genuine, non discriminating love. I feel like they bring out the good in me. I wish i deserved that kind of love and respect but i don't. Lately im messing up, im just lucky i have support. That is w hat im grateful for. My net of support in my life. Family, Friends, even God. I am blessed, truely blessed.

The shoreline of my mind is never quite as beautiful when you aren't running around on the white sand. The moonlight reflecting off the cool water. The sound of gulls and singing waves serenading my heavy thoughts. Even my mind was better with you around. Moist warm air and swirling scents are enough to lull anyone into a quiet peace of mind. The summer in Utah could never compete with this weather. A lifetime of memories with another could never compete with the flutter of emotion that comes when you stand close. So this is what it's come down to. Lying in the dark with my mind running wild. With you far away in emotions and miles. Im not going to beat around the bush, it hurts so fkin much. At least a lie is almost as good as the real thing.

So i dream on.

I love you

I'd cry if i thought it make you get here any quicker. I'd scream if i thought it'd make you leave sooner. I'd love you if i thought we could make it........I.L.O.V.E.Y.O.U.

The grass is wet beneath our bare feet.
We find ourselves swaying in a dance.
Like stalks of grain in a summer wind.
The green grass is wet.

The night envelopes us in its embrace.
Our hands are clasped tightly as,
We try to find our way out of the dark
The night is black and cold.

The blankets bind us tightly together.
Tangled in a sweaty masquerade.
The sweet kiss can't hide regret
Lost in pain's grey wake.

Your lungs gasp for want of air
Your tears flow from hidden eyes
We never got to speak the truth
Red wounds stain hands

The requiem echo's its remorse
My soul will wait for yours
To create what fate wouldn't
The grave is brown.

Just your dream

Sometimes when i let my mind wander more than i should, i contemplate my own existence. Often times i reassure myself that i exist, there are times though that i take the darker road. I am afriad of alot of things, heights, the dark, failure, etc; there is something that also worries me, that i don't exist. Now i don't mean i don't exist exist, obviously i exist now, i worry that i am not permanent though. That my life will hold significance or weight in the world. I worry that i am only apart of another's imagination or dream and that if they wake up i will cease being. Sometimes i even convince myself that death is somehow related to this. A person dies but maybe its only that God or some being like a God stops contemplating that person.....that eventually as it slips out of memory so does the person.

It's a silly fear isn't it.... but yet it worries me when i let the idea run freely. I want to matter at least to something or someone. My lips, my heart, my mind, they scream "i exist! I am here! Don't let me slip away!" I want to etch my name in the limestone of eternity with my fingernails.

To be afraid of the dark is to be human, i can live with human....to be nothing scares me beyond words.

The sun

Picture if you will a small town in some ancient majestic mountains. This town lays in a valley that is surrounded like a bowl by high arching cliff walls. The only thing you can see beyond these high walls are mounds and mounds of snow, ice, and beyond that the glistening points of the mountain peaks beyond. The town grows its own food and provides for itself with no outside interference, the only season is a mild winter and harsh winter. Years and generations pass but they never experience summer. Finally, one year they wake up to a warm day.. they wander out into the sun and stand their basking in it, letting the sun soak into their skins. The sun sets and they go back to bed. They wake the next day to see the valley floor flooded with melted snow. Only a few inches of water, nothing to worry about. The sun breaks free of the clouds and once again they are hypotized by it. The next the same thing. Each day following the water rises but the sun gets warmer. Days pass, weeks, finally the valley is almost flooded to the brim. The only ones left alive are treading water, many have drown but none recognize their peril. One by one they cramp up and sink to the bottom of a water grave. The last survivor witnesses the warmest day, the heat is comfortable, the air is warm and humid. His legs pump vigrously but with each churn he losses strengths. The sun begins to set and his legs give out. As he sinks he fails to panic for air but rather focuses on the sun through the surface of the water.... the last one visits the many before him.

I feel like one of the last survivors. my legs pumping furiously, the warm sun soaking me through and my senses clouded to the peril that has crept upon me. Death is near but the beauty that surrounds me is too much to care....I embrace my watery grave if only to see the sun one last time.

Self-Worth

Its about how much you are progressing, not how well you are at coasting.... but im stuck on the sidelines