When I go down

You give me hope and hope it gives me life. You touch my heavy heart and when you do you make it light. As I exhale, I hear your voice and I answer you, though, I can hardly make a noise. From my lips, the words I choose say seem pathetic, but its a fallen man's praise. Because I love you. Oh God, I love you. - Relient K

I've been listen to alot of Relient K lately. It's amazing how spiritual their lyrics are and yet, it's put in a way that almost anyone can relate to.

I suppose what I relate to so well is the feeling that I'm constantly messing up. Lately, (and by lately I mean 4 years) I've felt like I'm just one big mess. I don't know exactly what I'm doing. I've said this often. I suppose this place is my outlet for those feelings. Relient K seems to speak to the inner turmoil my soul feels.

I am always trying to balance myself between being a little wreckless and human with being the spiritual kid my soul wants me to be. More often than not the latter gets surpressed. I used to be a very spiritual person but now I wonder if I lost it, or if I've tried so hard to fake not being it, I've taught myself how not to be.

Deep down, I believe in God and it amazes me how willingly and mercifuly forgiving he is. So I write this to him in hopes he might know the intentions of my heart:

Dear Heavenly Father,

It's Jason. Excuse me while I stutter through this but I feel you should know my gratitude. Thank you for being consistently there. I know I have often times doubted it, but those are only during harden heart times. I can't even lie to myself about it because i'm constantly reminded of what you have done for me and what you do for me.

I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I couldn't tell you. I don't want to be this person and yet, I don't seem to have the strength to be the person I used to be. I'm sure I look foolish tripping over the same obstacle and skinning my knee over and over. I'm sure you knew I would do this, yet, you wish I could have learned the first time. I think you know better than I that maybe the scars that will develop from these trials will be a reminder for me throughout my life. Perhaps I can always look at my knees and remember that while I'm foolish, I eventually learn to overcome things. For now though, I seem to be stuck in the bleeding and painful stage. I have oftena sked for strenght and wisdom to overcome, but, I have ignored what help has already been given because I don't have teh strength to utilize it.

I am pathetic. I am helpless. I am short sighted. I am worldly. I am not what I would have myself be. I will be someday though. It might not be soon. I might have to make several more mistakes. I may have to hit rock bottom. I promise though, that eventually, I will be everything you see me. I will fulfill that potential.

Please continue to have faith in me. To watch with a frustrated but caring eye. I will rise and I know it'll only be with your help. Save me a bandaid, some anti bacterial, and a seat in your mansion. I will be scarred up and bruised but I will make it.

Sincerely Jason.


When I go down I lift my eyes to you. I won't look very far, cause you'll be there with open arms.

To lift me up again. - Relient K

Election day!

This representative is one that will restore honor!

Don't you get tired of hearing that? Every election we see candidates throw trivial words around like they should be significant. Restoring honor? At what point in history was the golden age of honor? Did I miss it? How do you restore something that has been half-assed throughout history?

Thats not even the part that bugs me the most. It's that once they throw around these arbitrary words, we are supposed to vote for them because of it. Well they are going to restore honor, so obviously I'm going to ignore all their policies and vote for them anyways. What the hell is that? It's a cop out, and the worst part is that it works.

All parties do it. All candidates do it. I'm not pointing fingers at people but the system as a whole. I find it pathetic that rather than talk about whats wrong and how we are going to fix it. We'd rather yell out virtuous words while smearing the person across the aisle.

So this Election day pay close attention to all the candidates yelling valor, honor, honesty, truth, change, and all other sorts of words while sinning against every one of them.