Nots

Inspired my good friend Carolina, I thought I would attempt an entry like her. Posting my nots.
What are you not?

I am not despite my best efforts everything I desire to be. I am not perfect. I do not desire to be perfect. I do not desire to be more than myself. I am not a bad person either. I am not a personw ithout values and morals. I do not always meet them. I do not conform to others expectations. I am not caught up in myself. I do not go easy on myself. I do not give myself the credit I deserve for being the quality invididual I am.

I am not very goodlooking. I am not a rugged supermodel. I do not have amazing taste in clothes. I am not ugly. I am not skinny, though, I am not obese. I do not deserve to be examined once and found not fit to date. I do not deserve to be examined by my appearances. I do not deserve to be treated as a shell. I do not want to be a painted face. I do not want to care so much about my apperance despite feeling it necessary. I will not be cut out of a mold.

I do not get as depressed as I try to make it seem. I do not get as happy either. I am not as rational as I wish I was. I do not want to totally eliminate or let my emotions have control of me either. I do not want either extreme. I do not want to be thought stupid. I do not want to go through life having not been well read.

I do not doubt the existence of God. Nor do I believe that grace will save me. I do not believe that God labels people. I do not believe because a person views God differently that I should feel threatened. I do not believe that world peace is such a far fetched idea. I do not believe that we cannot over come our differences. I do not believe that his being gay, or her being Muslim, should matter more than a simply observation. I do not believe that my being LDS hinders me in anyway from experiencing the real world. I do not believe that labels matter, except the ones we give ourselves.

I am not a jock, a nerd, a gamer, a reader, a dreamer, a rationalist, a pessimist, an optimist, a romantic, but, I also am. I am not a single personality but rather a multitude of chaotic passions. I am not what the passions make me. I am not the sum of their parts.

I am not strong. I am not weak. I am not scared. I am not at peace. I am not a liberal. I am not a conservative. I am not capitalist. I am not a socialist. I am neither here, nor there. I am not any extremes.

I am not sure where I am going. I do not know how i feel about this. I do not like rules but I do not like chaos either. I do not like feeling alone despite knowing I am surrounded by lots of people who love me. I do not like knowing that there are others out there who feel this way as well. I do not like knowing I cannot change this. I do not like being told what I can or can't do. I do not plan on ever being content.

I do not hate. I do not trust anyone easily. I do not like being open so I build walls. I do not like sharing problems with people I know, but I am perfectly fine with sharing them with strangers. I do not show restraint when it comes to love. I do not know when it's too much or too little. I do not know when to hold a grudge or when to let it go. I do not like to fight but i do not like backing down.

Most of all I do not, do not, cannot, will not, am not planning on changing myself for anyone or anything.

"A man, as a general rule, owes very little to what he is born with - a man is what he makes of himself." -Alexander Graham Bell