Dream on

I scan the room and fall lazily back into that big black leather chair. It's that one that is big enough to fit two but is just perfect for cuddling deeply into by yourself. I'm not going to lie, I was happy at that moment, this moment.. My family surrounds me and even though i know that its not perfect, i am happy to be here with them. It doesn't come as often now that we are all together, even today we were missing some but i felt love....genuine, non discriminating love. I feel like they bring out the good in me. I wish i deserved that kind of love and respect but i don't. Lately im messing up, im just lucky i have support. That is w hat im grateful for. My net of support in my life. Family, Friends, even God. I am blessed, truely blessed.

The shoreline of my mind is never quite as beautiful when you aren't running around on the white sand. The moonlight reflecting off the cool water. The sound of gulls and singing waves serenading my heavy thoughts. Even my mind was better with you around. Moist warm air and swirling scents are enough to lull anyone into a quiet peace of mind. The summer in Utah could never compete with this weather. A lifetime of memories with another could never compete with the flutter of emotion that comes when you stand close. So this is what it's come down to. Lying in the dark with my mind running wild. With you far away in emotions and miles. Im not going to beat around the bush, it hurts so fkin much. At least a lie is almost as good as the real thing.

So i dream on.

I love you

I'd cry if i thought it make you get here any quicker. I'd scream if i thought it'd make you leave sooner. I'd love you if i thought we could make it........I.L.O.V.E.Y.O.U.

The grass is wet beneath our bare feet.
We find ourselves swaying in a dance.
Like stalks of grain in a summer wind.
The green grass is wet.

The night envelopes us in its embrace.
Our hands are clasped tightly as,
We try to find our way out of the dark
The night is black and cold.

The blankets bind us tightly together.
Tangled in a sweaty masquerade.
The sweet kiss can't hide regret
Lost in pain's grey wake.

Your lungs gasp for want of air
Your tears flow from hidden eyes
We never got to speak the truth
Red wounds stain hands

The requiem echo's its remorse
My soul will wait for yours
To create what fate wouldn't
The grave is brown.

Just your dream

Sometimes when i let my mind wander more than i should, i contemplate my own existence. Often times i reassure myself that i exist, there are times though that i take the darker road. I am afriad of alot of things, heights, the dark, failure, etc; there is something that also worries me, that i don't exist. Now i don't mean i don't exist exist, obviously i exist now, i worry that i am not permanent though. That my life will hold significance or weight in the world. I worry that i am only apart of another's imagination or dream and that if they wake up i will cease being. Sometimes i even convince myself that death is somehow related to this. A person dies but maybe its only that God or some being like a God stops contemplating that person.....that eventually as it slips out of memory so does the person.

It's a silly fear isn't it.... but yet it worries me when i let the idea run freely. I want to matter at least to something or someone. My lips, my heart, my mind, they scream "i exist! I am here! Don't let me slip away!" I want to etch my name in the limestone of eternity with my fingernails.

To be afraid of the dark is to be human, i can live with human....to be nothing scares me beyond words.

The sun

Picture if you will a small town in some ancient majestic mountains. This town lays in a valley that is surrounded like a bowl by high arching cliff walls. The only thing you can see beyond these high walls are mounds and mounds of snow, ice, and beyond that the glistening points of the mountain peaks beyond. The town grows its own food and provides for itself with no outside interference, the only season is a mild winter and harsh winter. Years and generations pass but they never experience summer. Finally, one year they wake up to a warm day.. they wander out into the sun and stand their basking in it, letting the sun soak into their skins. The sun sets and they go back to bed. They wake the next day to see the valley floor flooded with melted snow. Only a few inches of water, nothing to worry about. The sun breaks free of the clouds and once again they are hypotized by it. The next the same thing. Each day following the water rises but the sun gets warmer. Days pass, weeks, finally the valley is almost flooded to the brim. The only ones left alive are treading water, many have drown but none recognize their peril. One by one they cramp up and sink to the bottom of a water grave. The last survivor witnesses the warmest day, the heat is comfortable, the air is warm and humid. His legs pump vigrously but with each churn he losses strengths. The sun begins to set and his legs give out. As he sinks he fails to panic for air but rather focuses on the sun through the surface of the water.... the last one visits the many before him.

I feel like one of the last survivors. my legs pumping furiously, the warm sun soaking me through and my senses clouded to the peril that has crept upon me. Death is near but the beauty that surrounds me is too much to care....I embrace my watery grave if only to see the sun one last time.

Self-Worth

Its about how much you are progressing, not how well you are at coasting.... but im stuck on the sidelines

I AM AMERICAN AND YOU CAN ALSO!

I had the chance to watch Obama's informercial tonight on youtbe after work. Many may know that I will be voting for Obama on Nov 4th (hate me if you must but i dig the dudes style). This isn't an endoresment for Obama though, rather, it stirred something in me that I haven't felt since 9.11.

I love America. I truely do. It isn't perfect but perhaps that is what i love most about it. It is flawed but only because people are flawed. That is why i love America, it is a land of the people. Often times i fear that we take that for granted and only in big moments throughout history people take notice of that loyalty. Some though, those who are better than i, recognize it on a daily basis. Those who serve our country and the selfless act that they commit in my behalf and those of my family. To them i want to say thank you. Your bravery and sacrifice (along with those of your families) cannot be equaled in gratitude with words. I only hope that i can recognize daily the liberties that you give to me.

I wonder if Karl Marx or even farther back to Alexander, Attila, or even Plato and his republic; could ever have forseen a nation like that of ours. I am sure that more brilliant minds then myself could tell you the flaws in our government system or why another form would be better. I disagree though, I love this nation for what it is. A melting pot of many lands, ideas, religions, and histories. However, like Kierkegaard said.... Passion unites mankind. We are united by passion. No other country in the world could claim such magnificent thing and because of it we are truely blessed. Blessed to pursue those passions!

As i watched Obama's infomercial and heard the stories of families across this nation my heart was broken. Broken that so many wonderful people in this nation are suffering. Suffering in the land of freedom and liberty. ironic, and tragic. I hope that this crisis defines our generation. I hope that my grandchildren can look back to my era and say THAT is where things turned around and how lucky we are that they did. I want to be apart of the solution. The relief of that suffering that is pillaging my fellow brethern. I hope that we all can do our part and maybe change the world in doing so.

May God bless the sunkissed shores of west coast, the snowcapped mountains of the rockies, the golden prairies of the midwest, the vast emerald forests of the northeast, and the brilliant RED WHITE AND BLUE of our great capital. I am american and the history that such a title carries is as good as nobility. may the lord watch and protect our great land, its leaders, and those who are fighting for it!

Jaws of Love

It's late, it's dark again. I should be in bed because im supposed to play basketball tomorrow at 8 am but instead im lying awake in bed with the lyrics of one of my favorite songs blaring in my headphones. I suppose it is their fault i feel inclined to write, though i don't have any real direction for this to go.

Swallow, Swallow, Swallow, that lump won't go away. One last attempt but its good and stuck. I feel watered down but no matter how hard i try to wet my cracked lips ,my tongue's dry exterior can't accomplish its small task. I guess all the fluid in my body is devoted to this tear. One solitary tear hangs from the corner of my eye like the mark of a killer. Perhaps it's just as symbolic. Perhaps the meaning is more. The rage, the regret, the anger, the mistake. It doesn't matter though. It never does. And so while i watch her mouth move, the apologies, the accusations, the confusion.....my mind wanders, and i don't give a shit anymore. My fingernail seems to be jagged so i pick at it in frustration. The awkward enviroment is a breeding ground for such useless tasks. The nail won't budge, so a quick bite and its gone. My hair feels tangled so i run my fingers through it. Her eyes are red from crying but my feet need fidgeting. Almost comfortable. Swallow, the lump is gone and the butterflies are swelling in my stomach. A whirlwind of tiny wingbeats, delicate, soft, beautiful. Oh God, this thought makes my stomach churn as i remember her voice and for a moment i think back. We are curled up on large blanket of grass, her head on my chest, my hair in my eyes, the sun is setting, our hands are clasped in a sweaty embrace. She looked up at me and blew the hair out of my face, her breath smelling a citrusy fragrence which tangled with her fruity shampoo. Our eyes met....and she whispered she loved me. That too, like small wingbeats of delicate, soft, beautiful butterflies struck me with such magnitude that i was sure nothing could be more perfect then her thin lips and bright blue eyes. I don't know what to do with my hands now that the nail is taken care of so i continue to gnaw on them. Working each nail down to a disgustingly short point. I wish she would just leave. The tear has long since fell and dried on my hoody. My face hiding the turrent of emotion screaming instead of me. Minutes pass, slowly she comes to realize the futility of it all. She rises in acceptance and turns toward the door. My hand wants to jump and grab hers, pulling her into a tight embrace, ended with a gentle kiss. My pride holds it tightly to my knee though. The door closes gently. The gasp breaches my vocal cords in the form of a moan. My face burries itself in my arms. My heart swells well the harsh reality, and shrinks with despair, shattering it like a cold window on a hot day. I choke, no longer a lump but a fireball of pain. I convulse slightly and then gain control. I turn to the mirror....acceptance......it's lines age my face. Time no longer holds the reigns to fate, Love holds each life in its jaws.

Don't thrash, it's teeth gash........

Soul

The light is out and i am engulfed in darkness. Only the warm glow of my laptop, the comfort of my bed, and old school Dashboard Confessional (they sold out, i don't care what anyone says) are around. It's hard to keep awake but i feel a desire to write for a moment before slumber.

I am a Buddhism class this semester in an effort to try and expand my knowledge of Eastern Philosophy, though i am partial to the continental train of thought. We have been going on for some class periods now about the non-existence of soul or even holding onto a concept of self. It attaches us to something. For Buddhists according to my readings and classes this is a violation of what one should try and accomplish. For them, there is no soul or permanence in this world. Every second is ending and beginning over and over. It's all about living in the moment. Romantic isn't it?

Well, this doesn't sit well with me. As the title of my blog suggest i am somewhat of a Cartegean. I believe that the only sure thing an individual has is that they exist. Maybe not physically but at least mentally. You are a contemplating, thinking, individual. You have memories, thoughts, hopes, dreams; one could easily say a sense of self, an identity. Why one would ever want to destroy such a marvelous and wonderful thing is beyond me. In fact, i don't know how one could ever deny it. They argue that you can regress into nothingness if you try to identify what you are. You could regress all the way down to being a billion atoms and electrons. You could probably take it even farther and think yourself into who knows what. You can never think yourself out of existence though. To even assume such a thing shows you are a thinking thing.

The soul, to me, gives one a stability and hope that is necessary for not only a happy existence but any degree of improving/learning. Aren't the happiest individuals the ones that "discover" who they are? They come to some sort of realization that only applies to them, enabling them to find independence amidst a galaxy of other objects. To be someone is the greatest potential a thing could ever have, discovering it is the luckiest thing one could gain, fulfilling it is the happiest event that repeats over and over one could ever hope to achieve. Learning from mistakes, expanding one's faculties, and improving ones self is the only possible good situation that can arise from a vast variety of negative outcomes. What a blessing to be who you are. You may not recognize it as a blessing but take a moment and think to yourself. You can only be sure that you exist....that means you are the best, the greatest, the only you. Everything and everyone else is just brushstrokes on the canvas of you. Don't let anyone take that from you, and by anyone i mean you.

I am Jason, No better, No worse. Everything else is shit.

Late Night Thoughts

I created this despite my many other methods of blogging because it seems to be the new "in" thing to do. Yes, i am a slave to trends as much as the next person. Although i can't honestly say how much i will use this. I have an open diary that has lasted me years and years. Oh well, I'm in it for the adventure.

I don't really have anything specific to write on except for a discussion that happened in my 19th European Philosophy Class. We are reading some lectures done by Fichte and in it he begins to argue about a man's vocation and the roll it plays in society. whether it should follow from his talents or what is deemed needed by society. In part, after picking an argument with a fellow classmate it begin to make me contemplate my own ideas on the subject. Is it really necessary for an individual to play a roll with his vocation in society or should he follow his natural born talent, or yet even again should he go with what he desires to do with his life.

For many, i believe the obvious answer would be that one should choose what he wants to do with his life, rather than have it decided for him. I would agree except for this method can lead too many astray and often leaves people miserable for failing so horribly. (ex: one could find joy in laundering money or American idol contestants who cannot sing worth shit but are convinced they can till they are utterly shut down on national television.) On the reverse side, to deny such desire could cripple the development of talents that could have yet to been revealed by nature. Imagine if Michael Jordan hadn't been allowed to hold a basketball..... what majesty and great entertainment would have been lost.

The problem with following one's talent is that it leads to unnecessary callings that don't seem to aide society in anyway, or worse yet that other talents are crippled by focusing on one. (ex: one could have a great talent for rape. extreme but very plausible). One could even harm society by such vocations. This however, would drag the concept of Good and Bad into the mix and would only cloud situation even more im afraid.

Lastly, society could see an individual for one thing when he has talents for another, thus withholding from itself something great and replacing it with something practical. A doctor when they could be a great singer, a philosopher when they could be a great blacksmith, etc etc. One could almost see Michaelangelo being forced to be a stable boy, or Sir Issac Newton being a squire because they were more practical than art or gravity (ha).

This whole situation only leaves me more confused on my opinion of what needs to be done. It brings into it too many factors. Who determines what is necessary? Who judges on behalf of good? What are the objectives of the society? How large is it? Does it vary on sex and age? With many other questions. Thus, im afraid that it boils down to this. One should first choose what will be satisfactory for themselves and what they believe will aide another. Everything else will fall into place or it will fail miserably and nature will neccesarily cause it to start again. There is one thing i believe to be certain.... there will always be progression.