Ugh. 2:11 on a Monday morning. I'm caught staring out the frosted window out to the street. The streetlights reflect off the snow and the moon is hidden by thick clouds. There is a chill in the air, and it taktes me back to places I don't want to go...
Three years ago, almost to the day, I stood staring out the same window. Snow was falling then. It covered everything in soft white blankets. I spent the night writing about how it made me felt. It wasn't honest though, it was more of just a motivation for what was to come. I was going to be shipped out to Iowa. I was terrified. I still am terrified.
Three years ago, almost to the day, I stood staring out the same window. Snow was falling then. It covered everything in soft white blankets. I spent the night writing about how it made me felt. It wasn't honest though, it was more of just a motivation for what was to come. I was going to be shipped out to Iowa. I was terrified. I still am terrified.
I remember the morning I was to enter the MTC. I hadn't slept at all that night. My beautiful friend Cortni had spent the whole night up with me, texting me. She was amazing. I miss her. That morning, I was wide awake and scared shitless. I joked with my mother about letting me stay home. I was begging her inside to let me. That's where it all started. I tried to be too strong and do somethign I wasn't ready for.
3 years later, i'm slowly recovering. It's painful. My courage, my strength, my whimsy, they are all like shattered windows, clumsly put back together with some an awful glue job. I get bye though. I just keep breathing. I'd like to say that the effect has worn off and that somehow I am normal again. I am for the most part. I have horrible weak moments though. The terrified feelings i felt that cold December morning leak back into th eback of my mind. It's crippling when it happens. I have to start all over again after each episode.
So what do i have to say about it now, 3 years later, at 2 am, on a cold December morning? Absolutely nothing. I feel like I am still as lost as I have ever been. The days have progressed, i'm further done with my schooling but I have no direction. It terrifies me. My friends are all getting married and having kids......I don't even have a girlfriend....I haven't had a girlfriend in years.
Honestly, to be perfectly frank, I don't think I could handle one either. I'm so scared I'd mess up. I'm scared of messing up again because I never want to go through another Iowa situation ever again. I don't want to fall in love and have all that pressure and not know what the hell i'm going to do. Falling in love shouldn't be like that, it should be easy. The easiest thing in the world, I'm scared that in my position with my history it'll just become work.
3 years later, i'm slowly recovering. It's painful. My courage, my strength, my whimsy, they are all like shattered windows, clumsly put back together with some an awful glue job. I get bye though. I just keep breathing. I'd like to say that the effect has worn off and that somehow I am normal again. I am for the most part. I have horrible weak moments though. The terrified feelings i felt that cold December morning leak back into th eback of my mind. It's crippling when it happens. I have to start all over again after each episode.
So what do i have to say about it now, 3 years later, at 2 am, on a cold December morning? Absolutely nothing. I feel like I am still as lost as I have ever been. The days have progressed, i'm further done with my schooling but I have no direction. It terrifies me. My friends are all getting married and having kids......I don't even have a girlfriend....I haven't had a girlfriend in years.
Honestly, to be perfectly frank, I don't think I could handle one either. I'm so scared I'd mess up. I'm scared of messing up again because I never want to go through another Iowa situation ever again. I don't want to fall in love and have all that pressure and not know what the hell i'm going to do. Falling in love shouldn't be like that, it should be easy. The easiest thing in the world, I'm scared that in my position with my history it'll just become work.
How the hell is everyone else ready to get married and i'm scared to even say the word. i want to get married, more than any of them i think. I want that, I want kids. I look at my friends daughter, Amanda....she's beautiful. She's adorable. I want that. I'm just too scared to take the shot.
I'm not ready.
Not being ready is almost as terrifying as being ready....
Can I go to sleep now please? Could I please just go back to that night 3 years ago and lay softly in the think white blankets of snow? Maybe never take the leap.....
Hindsight is always 20/20 though. 3 years ago i tripped and fell on my own blade. I wish God had finished the job then and there..... Cause the healing process hurts.
It hurts.
"Nor fondness for my son, nor reverence for my old father, nor due affliction which joyous should have made Penolope, could overcome within me the desre I had to be experienced of the world, and of the vice, and of the virtue of mankind...." - Dante's Inferno
I'm not ready.
Not being ready is almost as terrifying as being ready....
Can I go to sleep now please? Could I please just go back to that night 3 years ago and lay softly in the think white blankets of snow? Maybe never take the leap.....
Hindsight is always 20/20 though. 3 years ago i tripped and fell on my own blade. I wish God had finished the job then and there..... Cause the healing process hurts.
It hurts.
"Nor fondness for my son, nor reverence for my old father, nor due affliction which joyous should have made Penolope, could overcome within me the desre I had to be experienced of the world, and of the vice, and of the virtue of mankind...." - Dante's Inferno
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