Anxiety journal

I haven't written here for a while. I don't think anyone really noticed anyways. I think I'm going to try and use this here as an outlet for my anxiety. A way of expressing myself. The thoughts and feelings I'm having that are irrational and eccentric. Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't but it's worth a try.


This past summer has probably been the worst anxiety filled 3-4 months since my mission. Which is worrisome for a few reasons. 1. While it hasn't been as severe as it was on my mission or as intense it's been happening longer now then when I was in Iowa. 2. There doesn't seem to be a place for me to retreat to in order to overcome it. In Iowa my thought was always "If I can get home, than I can deal with this and i'll be safe." Now it just feels like the pit in my stomach follows me everywhere I go most days. There are moments of relief. There are days when I feel fine and then there are days like today where I just feel like I'm not getting any better. All the progress i had been making with the meds and therapist visits are slowing down. That troubles me.

I guess I always knew that I wouldn't ever be able to beat this completely. It would always lurk there in the back of my mind but I thought I'd be able to lock it up. That I would have enough weapons against it that it would rarely, if ever, get out of control. As I started the meds and therapy, there was hope that this would happen. I started going to church, taking meds, doing meditation, thinking happy thoughts, and visiting my doctor once a week. I felt I could beat this. I'm over a month into it now and I am already starting to wear out.

The stress is better now. The meditation helps slow down any attacks and the meds really take a bite out of them. I still have to fight thought. I'm just tired of it.

When I'm out camping with my friends for 2 days I shouldn't be stressing out. I should be enjoying myself. For the most part that's what happened, but the second night out there I had an attack. I'm not sure what triggered it. Not sure if it was the pitch black room I was sleeping in, if it was because I couldn't just go home, or if it was because I was missing Kelly. It happened though and that's frustrating. My mother says I should be proud that I was even able to go and handle it, that it was a big step. I just find it annoying. My friends aren't stressed out about this kinda crap while we are together, why am I?

The same can be said of my relationship with the gorgeous blonde girl I've been trying to date all summer. Honestly, a year ago I would just have been happy that someone that goodlooking liked me and was talking to me every night. This summer its a completely different story. I like her and I like talking to her and I even want to date her. She says she wants all those things too. Which should make me completely happy. Yet, for some reason I can't get over little things. She's busy and doesn't text back often and instead of being happy when she does, I worry I've done something wrong when she doesn't. It's not healthy to have that kind of expectations for someone else. Especially when you're not in a relationship. I shouldn't be expecting a phone call or a text everyday. I blow it out of proportion though. My tummy is in knots because I didn't get a phone call from her lastnight. She was with her brothers and then her roommates at a party, enjoying her last weekend before school starts. I want her to have those experiences, to enjoy herself, to not feel obligated. My body acts differently though. It gets stressed and tense. I wake up at 4:30 in the morning and am up till 6 because I can't fall asleep for more than 10 minutes at a time. My mind keeps telling it everything is fine but it seems to think differently.

It's not healthy. Yea, the relationship we have is a little weird and somewhat stressful. Anyone else I know would just be happy with it. Not stress over it. I over analyze it and make myself sick. I hate that. I want to be care free and anxious free.

So that brings me to right now. I'm terrified of everything and nothing at the same time. I feel stuck and I'm really not. I feel like every choice I make has to be perfect and it doesn't. I can't seem to give myself a break. Anxiety is a bitch. So when my parents ask me if I'm feeling suicidal. I'm not. (really I'm not). That doesn't mean that 3 hours ago while sitting in church feeling stressed out over nothing that I was contemplating it. Not in the "oh i'm going to do this way" but in the daydreamy "what if" sort of way. i wouldn't have to deal with the anxiety anymore. I could never do it though. I want too much out of life. I want to experience love, and children, and a profession. I could never hurt my friends and family by ending myself. It makes me feel gut wrenchingly guilty just thinking about it. I love them too much and i want to be around them too much. I just don't want the anxiety anymore. Any of it. I want to be 10 again and doing everything without a care in the world. The problem with being an adult is that we are so worried about the consquences of everything. As a child, we are just in it for the moment. I want to get back to that attitude sometime in my life. For now though, I'd be content with just being able to concentrate on what's on TV without being paranoid over when Kelly is going to call, or if I'm going to pass the GRE, or if the MPA program is really what I want to do with my life.

So yea. Anxiety is a bitch. I miss Jeremy. I dunno what I'm doing with my life. Oh, and I really like Kelly. Peachy. Somehow I'll hold on. Somehow.

If anyone out there is also dealing with Anxiety, panic disorders, or unusual levels of stress. I would love to hear how you're coping with it.