I need to write. I don't know about what but I need to write. I feel like I'm on the verge of a Panic Attack or Anxiety Attack. It kinda feels like the calm right before the storm. I'm tense, I feel hopeless, and my meditation/breathing techniques feel like they are trying to bail out a sinking ship with a teaspoon.
I don't know why I'm stressed. I should be relatively happy. A lot of things are going right. I have an easy enough Job at the school which is giving me something to do for a few hours a day. It lets be get to be around the students who really brighten my day. It also gives me at least a little income to save up and pay off my bills with. It's not much but it's better than nothing. Especially with my anxiety.
I have some direction with schooling now. I've got my study helps for the GRE and have been trying to study a little every day. I know when deadlines and stuff are for applying to grad school and I have goals set. I'm pretty rusty at math because I haven't done any in 5 years and my verbal skills aren't where I want them to be, but I think I can get there.
Things are good at home. Things are good with my friends. Although I miss Jeremy and his family a lot. It's been hard having them gone especially when I've spent so much time with them over the years. Heck, things are even good with Kelly. We've talked everyday this week. No drama. I really opened up to her about how I felt towards her and I think it might have helped strengthen our relationship.
So why am I freaking out right now? Why do I feel like everything is hopeless. I'm going to fail at everything. I'm not gonna get into BYU or I will and the program won't be what I want to do with my life. I'm not going to find a career and I'm always going to be strapped for cash. Hell, even all my friends are getting married and are moving on. They are going to leave me alone. This is how I feel. I have no reason to feel that way and I keep reminding myself that everything is alright. Even if all that happens I'll still be okay. I'll survive.
I'm terrified right now that I'm never going to beat this anxiety. That the knot in my tummy isn't ever gonna go away completely. That it's going to keep me from having a lasting relationship with a spouse and children. That I'll be too worried about things to ever really enjoy anything again. It's scary and I'm scared.
I talked to my therapist today and kinda told him what I've been feeling the last week or two. That my progress has leveled off and I'm not going forward anymore. I told him that I'm planning on upping my meds. Which I found out are only anxiety meds and not anti depressants as well. Hopefully upping the dosage with help me get rid of the stress and that will have an affect on my depression. I hope it helps.
I'll be okay. I think. I just wish Kelly would call so I could take my mind off things for a while.
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2 comments:
Maybe you should call her instead of waiting for her to call you. :P
I agree with Bri Jordan. Call Terri. If Terry is your friend she won't mind, and if Terri is not your friend, you're beter off knowing that right away.
There's nothing wrong with your verbal skills. You just pounded out a consistent and precise article - so you got words!
I'm sure you hate free advice as much as anybody, but I downed the frequency of panic attacks occurring by (a) drinking way less coffee – only two cups in the morning, and that’s it, (b) going on walks daily, (c) meeting flesh-and-bones people by joining recreational clubs (bowling, book-reading groups, church – whatever works).
Don’t forget: fear is a coward. When fear comes, stare it down and TELL it to go away.
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