Anxiety & Hemlock, a parallel.

Hemlock. Most will know this plant for it's famous role in the life of the great Socrates. It is said that Socrates was put to death for crimes against the state and corrupting the youth in ancient Greece by hemlock. The opportunity was offered that he escape and live in exile but the ever noble Socrates chose to take his punishment. To make the story that much legendary, it is said that Socrates had to drink a lot more than normal in order for the poison to do its work. RIP Socrates.

What most don't know is that in small doses Hemlock was actually used for medicinal purposes. It actually could HELP your body. Which only fuels the old adage that too much of a good thing is bad. Really bad in this case.

I've noticed throughout my life that I have this tendency to focus on the former type knowledge about something. I view things as a negative, something to overcome, something to get through. I addressed my anxiety in such a way. It was something I had to fight. It was a negative. Something to overcome.

My recent struggles with the disorder have caused me to come out of it looking at it in a different light. It falls into the latter of the examples. Anxiety can actually be a positive in life. When kept under control and in moderation. This does not mean that I think those of us suffering through the disease should just embrace it and let it go nuts. Rather, that with the help of medication, meditation, therapy, and positive thinking, a little anxiety isn't such a bad thing.

As an explanation for this I can only state my own outlook on my life. Anxiety has been a bitch in my life. It's caused situations that shouldn't have been difficult to be a fight for survival. I've had to wake up some mornings only to feel that the next 24 hours were just me treading water, trying to keep my head above the waves. I was drowning. I hated it. It hated me. All i wanted to do was quit and let myself sink, but the thought of that scared me more than my desire to give in.

So I continued to tread. I continued to swim. I continued to fight. I got help. I got medicated. I started going to therapy. I started opening up about the things that were causing it. I've gotten to the point where I feel like I can deal with it. I'm no longer in the deep end of the pool, kicking, struggling, trying to survive. I'm in the shallow end. The water is at my waist. It's not gone but I'm able to deal. I thought that I was content with that.

Then I looked down at the water and noticed something. My metaphorical leg muscles were huge. All that kicking had made them sinewy and ripped. I was stronger than when I started. I could wade out into the pool and I could handle being in the deep in for extended periods of time without stress. Without tiring, without feeling like I was gonna drown.

That is how my battle with anxiety has changed. I feel now I can handle situations that I avoided. I feel stronger. that doesn't mean I want to jump into those stressful situations, but rather, I have a knowledge that I can handle them should they arise and I don't have to go out of my way to avoid them.

My perspective had changed. I had been drinking a little hemlock everyday and my immunity to it grew. I even benefited from it.

Anxiety is a terrible terrible thing and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I couldn't understand why God had put me in such a situation. To make me suffer through it. To make anyone suffer through it. But now, now I think I know what his purpose was. It was to show me that there was a greatness inside of me that I would have never been able to find otherwise. It was to show me that even dealing with something so extremely difficult. I had enough power and strength that I could hold on and come out of it better. That every time it flares up. It's just a motivator.

I am stronger for having anxiety as crazy as that may seem. There are days that I'll hate it and it'll be the worse thing in the world. I know I can get through those days.

There was a philosopher, I can't remember who though, said something along the lines of: That we can't possible know how big a rectangle is until we find it's limits, it's borders. We are limited by infinity because we don't know where those lines are. That's how life is. We like to think that we can do ANYTHING but the truth is. We can't do Anything until we know what we can't do. Once we know what we can't do, then we can try to move beyond it.

Anxiety helps draw those lines and it can help us move beyond them as well.

Hang in there my friends. You will be stronger for having to deal with this. You will reveal a greatness in you that you never would have been able to find without it. Keep treading.