Sunday, April 15, 2012

All for for all

It's 2 am and I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to stay awake either. I'm just sorta stuck in limbo.

I'm lonely. Really. I feel so detached from everyone and everything around me lately. I see those people as just leaving. Like every time we hang out it's that phase of hanging out where it's late; everyone is tired and wants to go home; the conversation and festivities have died down and everyone wants to leave but no one really wants to be the person to spark the exodus that follows. It's the moment where you sit there half hunched over on the couch with your hands on your knees waiting for the moment to stand, stretch, and say it's getting late. Really. That's how I feel. Like everyone is just getting ready to embark on their lives and leave me sitting by myself in my car; hands resting on the cold steering wheel but not ready to drive away.

Really I just feel like I'm clinging. I try to be happy for those who are leaving, who have their dreams and lives to chase. Deep down though I just feel a jealous insensitive hurt. I can't do anything about it but I feel abandoned by the people who I care about most.

My sister says she's about to move out. My sister who's five years younger than me is ready to leave the nest and I'm doing everything I can to try and convince her to stay because I'm not ready to leave. I'm not ready for her to leave either. At that moment our childhood together will have ended as we know it. We'll both be adults and our relationship will never be the same. My family's relationship will never be the same. I dunno how to handle it. I'ms tuck between seeing my parents as parents and real people. They are getting older and I hate it. I'm stuck wanting to be 10 and have them take care of me. To have my dad be superman again instead of frail bodied.

We can't ever get that back. So I'm stuck watching everyone in my life getting ready to leave my party. I can't keep the conversation going any longer no matter how hard I try. They are all leaving and I have no one.

Obviously I still have them, they will always be friends and family, but it'll never be the same. They are married or they'll have careers, hell, they'll have kids. They'll live too far away to see as often as we have been able to thus far. even if they only live 15 miles away or 1000. They still feel the same.

Normal people would try to find a companion. Someone to love and spend their life with. That's the smart thing to do. Get attached to someone who wants to stay around for the long haul. I want that. I'm lonely. I'm 24 years old and I don't think I've ever had anything you could consider a real committed relationship. Pathetic.

I'd like to have one but I can barely handle myself. My anxiety, my stress, my self deprication. It's hard to even be committed to myself. I don't even have the confidence to go on vacation with my boys. Too much anxiety. I don't even know what I want to do with myself. My dreams have all been dashed. No more law school, dunno about teaching, wtf can I do. I don't live in a day and age where being a recluse pays bills.

I"m just detached. Lonely. Grasping at straws. Trying to keep everyone at a party that no one wants to be at anymore.

So what, find a girl? I can't even do that. The ones I like don't like me. So I should change my priorities right? I can't. I wish I could because it would be so much easier but I can't. No matter how many people tell you it's not settling, it's just growing up. It feels like settling. Yet, I can't help but feel like I'd be begging anyone I was with to settle for me. Little old anxiety ridden, pathetic, self pitying, no confidence, egotistical, opinionated, jackass me.

Shit. I don't even wanna be at this party anymore but I can't get away. So I sit here, stare at the clock on the wall and pray to God that the seconds slow down, keeping everyone here longer, so ultimately, I don't have to be alone with myself. I don't want to be alone with myself.

So please, stay..... just a little longer. I can't ask any of you to stay.

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