Rituals.

There is something to be said about having a ritual or habit. It's one of those things in life that make us feel comfortable. It's reliable. Whether it's that we have pizza every friday night, we tune into our favorite TV show every Tuesday, or even that at midnight every day you take your meds. I have many of these kind of rituals and habits. I usually wake up and pee at a certain time then go back to sleep for a bit. My family eats dinner around 6 pm every evening. There is football during the fall and winter every Sunday and Monday night. These are things that I love. Things I rely on. Things that I find comfort in.

One of these newer things lately has been talking to Kelly before we fall asleep at night. It's been going on since we first met. The timing has varied but after 9 I start expecting that call from her when she gets in bed. I love it. I love knowing that I'm the last person she talks to before falling asleep is me. I love knowing when she's about to fall asleep because of how quiet her voice gets. I love hearing her fan whirring in the background and the soft meows coming from her cat. It's just nice. Nice to have something like that to close the day with.

Now you may read this and go, "wow, what a chick!" or "That's kinda cute." It's gotten beyond that though. It's something that I've started to rely on. There are days when I'm busy or Kelly is busy and we don't get to talk. No big deal right? For whatever reason, it's a big deal to my anxiety. It's become a double edged sword and I really don't know what to do about it. If 11 rolls around and I haven't gotten a call yet, I start to get a little stressed. A little nervous. I'm not even sure why.

It's ridiculous really. It's unrealistic to have expectations like that. Especially when you're not dating someone or married. You don't always get to talk to people. The thing is. I have friends that I talk to daily. If I don't get to talk to them one day, it's usually not a big deal. No stress. No worry. No anxiety. With Kelly though. It can get to the point where I am not able to sleep the next night or that I feel tense until the next time we get to talk. Which really isn't fair. It's not fair to her to have that kind of pressure put on her and it's not fair to me to feel that way or to feel like an idiot about feeling that way.

The thing is. I really don't know how to stop it. My mind can constantly reassure myself that everything is ok. I mean I KNOW it'll be okay the next day. I know that most likely I'll talk to her the following day. So why does my body react this way? Why do I get this pit in my stomach?

This is the thing that makes anxiety so frustrating for me. It's that I can know for a fact that I'll be ok or things will work out but I will still get anxious and stressed. I don't know how to explain it. It's like having the flu without being sick. You can be in a completely healthy state but still throw up over and over and over. This is what this anxiety has become in a lot of ways.

So i ask myself: Why is this happening?

1. It could just because it's a habit and when it doesn't happen it feels like something's amiss. (I don't know if this is the case though. If I miss dinner with the family, or if I don't get to watch football, there is no stress. No problem.)

2. Is it because I'm nervous she's forgetting me or leaving me? (I think at some level it might be an abandonment issue. It's that I have no control over the situation. I know I really like this girl and I'm pretty sure she likes me too. I know that it would suck if she left me for someone else. I'd probably feel pretty shitty for a long while, but I know as much as it would hurt. I would survive.

Plus, there is the fact that it's not fair to her. I don't want to be clingy or come off clingy. No one likes that. I don't want her to feel like she HAS to talk to me either. I know she has a life and that's good. Any relationship I have with anyone on any level is going to be like this. I have no control over them or the situation and I can't have unrealistic expectations about it. This is something I need to work on, but I don't know if this is what's causing me to get nervous at night when we don't talk.)

3. Maybe it's a combination of 1&2.


So how do I fix it?

1. Stop talking everyday. (I don't want to do this. Why? I like the girl alot. I like everything about talking to her before we fall asleep. It's awesome and it makes me feel good about myself. Not only that, if we stopped talking everyday, that would probably mean we'd never have a shot at a relationship. Right now all we have is talking on the phone and I really want it to go further than that. I wanna date her.)

2. Get over it. (This is what I want to happen and have been trying to work on. I know such expectations of talking everyday are unrealistic. Rationally and emotionally I feel like I should be fine with not talking to her once in a while. I realize things come up. I mean I'll continue to WANT to talk to her everynight but if it doesn't happen, I should be able to understand that and go on with life till we get to talk again. So why isn't this happening?)

3. I do my meditation and take my medication. (I've been doing both of these but it still seems to occur. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be a few weeks ago but it still happens and I would like it to be gone completely.)

4. Talk to her about it. (I don't know if I want to go down this road or not. It's not fair for me to put that kind of pressure on her. We aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. It's not fair to expect her to do something everyday. It's not fair to stress her out because I'm stressing out over something stupid. This is something I need to deal with. It's something that I'm going to have to get used to if I want to have any type of relationship. I need to be able to give people space and have the strength of character to just let things be. I can't control everything or change everything or expect others to do everything for me.)

So for right now I'm stuck trying to cope with it and even as I write this I feel a little nervous because it's 11:30 and I haven't gotten a call from her yet. I know things are ok because we texted earlier. So why am I stressing? I want to work on this. If she doesn't call tonight. I'm going to be ok.